I'm sending out an SOS to the world

Dear Mother-in-law,

Last time you visited you said something that concerned me a bit and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. You see, you said Abe reminds you of Kelly when he was little. Now, Kelly is a fine man now and we have a jolly time together, but to be honest, I haven't heard one nice or pleasant thing about him as a child. I've heard about the time he was shooting moving cars with a BB gun and then ran from the police. I've heard about when he invited all the neighborhood kids to watch him as he planned to soar over a huge, wide cement drainage ditch with his big wheel. I've heard about his countless girlfriends (oh! have I heard about those) from a very young age. I've read an old letter from his grandmother noting that the only time he ever sat down was when he was watching TV. But you see, Abe won't even watch TV. One of my favorites is when Kelly was trying to cover up an actual hole in his neck with a bandaid. And of course you remember that Kelly had to be on a special all natural diet to help with his hyperactivity.

So, when Abe spits on us, wipes his boogies on my cheek and then laughs devilishly, bites my hand (like this morning) because I tried to hold his hand as we walked across the street, screams bloody murder when he doesn't get his way, tries to jump off everything (mind you, Abe's way of jumping is just sliding off an object, he doesn't actually propel himself away from the thing he's jumping off of), kicks me and pulls my hair everytime I try to put him in his carseat, runs away from me and into the street as we take walks, tortures his sister, and the list goes on and on, I get a little scared at what I may have "to look forward to."

So my question is not how do I make Abe be civilized and calm, but really, HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?

Love,
your daughter-in-law