The Answer

I've figured out the answers to all of my problems. All I need is:





a housekeeper


nanny


full-time cook


personal shopper


hair stylist for the days I decide to leave the house


a personal trainer


a painter to paint over these awful beige walls


a home decorator that find only the coolest vintage items to fill my house


a driver would be nice but not necessary


a spray tan (I say no thanks to cancer)


a plastic surgeon for the unfortunate circumstance known as my stomach



and I need a vacation possibly by myself but maybe I'll invite kelly since he's paying for it





Have I left anything out?

Trapped

So, after Abe kept falling out of his crib, we took the side off and attached one of those side railing things for regular beds. It worked great for a while. Then, a few days ago, Abe started coming out of his bed whenever he wanted whether it was during my shower so he could repeatedly open the door to say hi or even at 4 in the morning. My life. turned. upside. down. I realize it's all inevitable. Someday I'm going to have to let Abe be free. But not yet. I bought a cage, I mean tent, for the crib and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know it's a little weird, but I thought better a crib tent than a mother who's pulled out all her hair in frustration and can't sleep because she's worried her son is wandering about aimlessly during the middle of the night. Is there ever a way to really win as a mother?

Anyway, this morning when he woke up and was yelling for me to come get him, I took a few minutes to stretch and relax before I faced the beast. I can tell it's already going to be a better day.

meow

We signed Abe up for a little gymnastics class for two year olds called Gymcats. There are things like slides and balance beams and a trampoline and stuff like that. Abe loves it and it's a good half an hour of play time. There are certain activites the child can do on each piece of equipment or they can just do whatever they want and in whatever order they want. And because I'm cool like that I just let Abe do whatever he wants and I follow him around. I mean, he's two. So, there's this mother there who makes her daughter do every piece of equipment in the proper way and in the proper order (i.e. on the first ramp you do a somersault and then on the second ramp you do it backwards). There's no skipping or letting the daughter choose. Then on Monday the mother was trying to get the daughter to do a somersault on the first ramp and the daughter didn't want to so I heard the mother say, "If you don't do the somersault I'm taking you home." I mean, come on lady. I know we're not supposed to judge, but what a weirdo.

From Lilly

Lilly sat right down and wrote a thank you note for the flowers to her dad along with a picture. She is so excited to have flowers delivered to her. She used to love me second after Heavenly Father and Jesus, but she just informed me that I've moved into third place. I guess that's okay for today.

Big Whoop

{Disclaimer: I understand that I come across in a very unfeeling, uncaring way. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change my mind towards Valentine's Day at any given moment. In fact, today I love it! I'm over the moon for it! So, don't judge me}

I confess that I don't really care about Valentine's Day. I always told my friends that if a boy asked me to marry him on Valentine's Day I'd have to say no because he obviously didn't know me at all. So I haven't really done anything to get ready for tomorrow and then I look at all these people's blogs that I stalk and they're so clever and cute and really go out of their way to let their loved ones know that they're loved and it just really annoys me. I mean, I make my family dinner, isn't that enough? I also wipe noses and bottoms 365 days a year. I sing them songs every night (which may or may not be a punishment). I mean, I wouldn't do those things if I didn't love them. I interrupt this post because I have been put in my place. While writing this I get a knock on the door and to my surprise Kelly has had flowers delivered to me and Lilly and I am yet again reminded at what a hard-hearted, cynical woman I am. Because as much as I don't care about Valentine's Day, it sure is nice to have someone thinking about you. Heaven help my family. I think, though, that it's a fun holiday for the kiddies and Lilly was very excited to have a party at school today. She wanted to make her own cards and so last night we cut out hearts and taped suckers to them. Lilly decorated them with stickers and she wrote "I love you" on all of them. Now that kid has got a sweet heart.

Rule the Roost

I hereby proclaim February as "Stop letting my children get away with murder (not literally) and take charge of my household" month. For too long I have allowed annoying offenses to take place under my charge and have offered excuses and reasonings to allow such goings-on to go on. No More I SaY! Such offenses as too much TV watching by eldest daughter who turns into the wicked witch after said activity is no longer allowed. There will be entire days during the week (we'll start with 3) where the TV will remain in the off position until the hooligans have retired to bed. (Rules do not apply to mother.)
Furthermore, my children, led by the eldest will no longer be allowed to get away with asking for food EVERY TEN MINUTES!!!! There will be breakfast, a mid morning snack, lunch, snack in the mid afternoon followed by dinner in the evening and upon occassion there will be dessert. The threats that eldest child is starving and quite possibly dying of hunger will now be ignored. The tantrums sure to follow will also be ignored.
There will be reading time. Eldest child will, during the day, take a short, but necessary, break from mother-on-the-verge to have quiet time in room where she must read or otherwise play quietly. Heaven help me, why must there be so many toys if she doesn't want to play with them!
The youngest child will now be required to pick up smashed banana he has thrown on the floor even if that means I have to put him in a gazillion time-outs and pry his freakishly strong fingers open to pick up banana (or insert other food choice which also ends up on floor here) and "help" him put it in the trash. He will learn manners and eldest child will be reminded of hers.
My children will be required to play outside more taken either by mother or father or a combination of both. The family will, from here on out, be required to have quality outings and play times together. There will be more play dates for daughter who is desperate for fun every second of the day. We will continue to work on the youngest not biting other children and therefore only a few closely supervised playdates until matter is resolved.
MY CHILDREN WILL HAVE A HAPPY, FUN, IMAGINATIVE CHILDHOOD BUT THEY WILL ALSO BE RESPECTFUL AND KIND AND PRODUCTIVE MEMBERS OF SOCIETY.
I furthermore state that I will do everything in my power to help and love my children so they will not have to attend psychological counseling in their older years because their mother ruined their lives and now they can't function.


WISH ME GOOD LUCK!!!!

An Invitation

I'm going to start going on walks a few times a week in the afternoons around 3:30 or 4. If anyone would like to join me and the kiddies let me know.