Confessions of a semi-crazed mother

It all started on Friday when, after a long work week, Kelly went golfing. He had this planned for over a week so I knew it was coming and I tried to convince myself prior to his day out that I was okay with it. That I wanted him to go. That I was happy he was able to relax and have fun. But the day came and I was annoyed and selfishly angry. When Abe was screaming his head off in the car because Lilly was singing along to the radio, instead of losing my temper I just pictured my husband swinging his golf club, enjoying a beautiful day, cracking jokes with a friend and murderous thoughts began to form in my head. But here's the truth of it all: Kelly works really hard and he works a lot. Kelly rarely goes golfing and it's something he really enjoys. Kelly also has always been totally fine watching the kids whenever I want or need to go out. So, as I delve into my brain to figure out the real problem, I realize it's this: The reason I don't go out for long outings on my own (a.k.a. sans kids) is because I HAVE NOTHING TO DO and I think it's really pathetic and that's why I get annoyed when Kelly goes out. He has his very own life and I don't. And I'm jealous.



I used to LOVE to be on my own. In college I would relish my time away from roommates and responsibility and drive around in my '84 Nissan 200sx, navy blue. My car and I would go far and time was of no importance. I often remember smiling about the fact that no one knew where I was. I was completely alone and it felt wonderful. Now, the word "alone" means something totally different. I sometimes feel very alone even with a house full of my dearest ones. Sometimes, when the kids are fighting, all I think I want is for them to leave me alone, and yet really what I want is for them to just stop fighting and for hugs and kisses all around. I don't like the lonely feeling of being without my children. But I think, that even though these things are true, I need to learn to be alone again, to rediscover or find out anew, what Quinne is like. What do I like to do? What makes me happy, not as a wife or as a mother, but just as me. It's a difficult balance, but a necessary one for a fulfilling and whole life. I need to find a little bit of courage in my unsure and worried heart.



So here's a list of things I used to like to do that I don't do anymore:

I love to go listen to an orchestra play. Music like Vivaldi and Beethoven and Rachmaninov are exciting and emotionally charged and just beautiful.



I love to read and want to be in a book club that reads more than church books or feel-good books. I want texture and conflict and romance in my books. I don't care if there's a bit of swearing or sex. I like controvery and I like to learn. And I want to read books that are inspiring and expands my mind and my capacity for understanding. I don't need these kinds of books all the time, just sometimes.



I like to sing...especially to musical theater. I really stink at it and I've let my embarrassment over my lack of talent prevent me from really belting it out. Who cares if my kids and sometimes my husband start howling for me to stop. I've got to live.



I like old things. I like color. I like to run. I like to have picnics. I like to watch foreign films. I like to cry. I like some opera. I love gardens. I like to sit and watch people. I like to feel deeply. I like to create. I like to go on adventures. I like to go to plays.

But as I write this, my daughter is downstairs begging me to come and be with her. Duty calls and it's a duty that above all else, I wouldn't give up or change. So, I need to find balance and then refind that balance when the new baby comes. I think it's possible, but I haven't figured it out yet. I'll let you know when I do.