Quick Story

So yesterday the kids and I were all in my bathroom while I was trying to get makeup on. Abe, of course, stands up on the rim of the tub and leans over to my sink and starts to push down repeatedly on the soap dispenser. I tell him to stop and he doesn't, of course, and I go to move it as he knocks it over into the sink. Not a big deal, but I say to him, "Things would be so much easier if you just listened to me." Then Lilly pipes in with this statement,
"Mom, sometimes the easy way isn't always the best way."

Heaven help me with this one!

An Open Letter To The Loud Mouth At The Gym

Dear Big Boned Yeller,

When you asked me today how many weeks I was, I knew what was coming. I shouldn't have said it, but my response was an apologetic, "I'm only 26 weeks" instead of a more positive "I'm 26 weeks, yippee!" Then, you said it. Or rather you yelled it halfway across the rec center gym, "Are you sure you're only having one?" And then came your laugh and then my face turned red and then I wanted to hurt you. Instead I replied, "You shouldn't say that cause you're a mom and you should know." You then proceeded to try to cover your large and ample bottom by saying how good I look and I've got a cute little tummy blah blah blah. I stopped listening and focused on breathing through my murderous thoughts while hiking uphill to nowhere on the treadmill. Damage done. But here's what I want to say: I don't get two things. One, who am I being compared to? Why, just because my stomach really sticks out when I'm pregnant, does that mean I'm big enough to carry twins or I'm too big for how far along I am or I'm gaining too much weight (which I'm not and for that I'm quite proud of myself because O! goodness you should have seen me with the other two). And two, why do I care what you or anybody else thinks? I want more than anything to teach my children, especially my daughter(s), to have self-confidence and to like who they are and be grateful for how they look. How can I teach that when I don't have that ability myself? Ay, there's the rub. But I've heard that's what your 30's are for: self acceptance. I hope so. I'm trying.

So, lady with no internal dialogue, just keep your distance because next time I see you, I may just bowl you over with MY BIG BELLY!!!!

Watch out!

Overheard and Questions Asked

I've heard some funny things coming from my kids the last couple of days and wanted to share.
1. Lilly and Abe went into their bathroom so Lilly could go potty. As she went I heard her say, "Oh! It feels so good to get this out!"

2. Lilly had come up with a list of names for our new baby and as an equal opportunist, I asked Abe the same questions. Here's our conversation:
Q: Abe, are we having a boy or a girl? (I'm thinking it wasn't that long ago that my boy and my new baby were hanging out together in the clouds so I was hoping for some truth here)
A: A girl.
Q: (That's what I think so maybe we're on to something) What should we name her?
A: (He thinks for a minute) Chicken nuggets.
He's clearly not ready for this yet.

3. In my house, we don't call poop poop, we call it boujie. The full name is actually boujie na na but it can also be shortened to just bouj. I've never been clear on the spelling but we have terms for bodily functions that have been passed down from my mom and maybe someday will be so popular they'll make it onto wikepedia. Anyway, Abe's been asking lately if he can eat certain things like the cereal box or a toy car. But, yesterday he asked me this: Mom, can I eat my boujie? This frightened me because he's the kind of kid that would try such a disgusting thing and because when he asked if he could eat the cereal box and the car I told him to go ahead and try. Now, he asks me all the time if he can eat his boujie and I look at him and he's got a smile on his face and a glimmer in his eyes. He knows exactly what he's saying but I'm still scared nonetheless.

Things I've Learned During My Blogging Hiatus...

1. I didn't miss blogging.


2. I actually love my children way more when they're not together.


3. Lilly needs to learn to edit. For example, the other day she told me in GREAT detail the process of making Choco-nilla Krispies or something like that. It's a cereal. It started with first, you make the chocolate ones and then you make the white ones separately and then put them in the same bag. Then it continued on and on and I tried to look interested but by the time the truck driver had to deliver it to the store and then the store person put it on the shelf and then we go to the store to pick it out and then pay for it and then take it home and then open the box and then open the plastic part inside and then pour it in a bowl and then get a spoon and put it in our mouths I wanted to scream!!!! I almost felt as though my eyes would roll to the back of my head and I'd collapse before the end of it all. This, my friends, is what's hard about being a mother.


4. The gestational period for humans is far too long. It should be four or five months. Six tops.


5. Husbands don't quite get the difference between women being pregnant tired and non-pregnant tired. Very different. Foot rubs should be given either way, though.


6. Spontaneous crying can be very disconcerting to a husband when there's very little or no provocation. Sorry, Kelly, I can't help it.


7. There's probably more, but I can't remember anything these days. What am I writing about?

My Daughter Doesn't Love Me

Lilly's going on a field trip. My first born is going on her first field trip. And she doesn't love me and this is how I know:

It all started with Mrs. M's kindergarten class walking out of the door onto the playground singing about a field trip to the awaiting parents. I smiled, but really the nerves had already kicked in. Isn't she too young? Are they going on a bus? with no seat belts? WHO'S GOING TO WATCH MY CHILD? These are the thoughts that ran through my head before Lilly even told me about the field trip. When she actually came through the gate and saw me, she excitedly told me that her class was going on a FIELD TRIP!!!! to a MUSEUM!!!! and they were going to see CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG!!!! "Oh, that's great," I said and ushered her to the car.

Once safely inside I took out the paper to see the date of this horrible field trip and exclaimed, "Hey maybe dad doesn't work that day and I can go with you!" I'm finally feeling better here, but as I turn to look at Lilly sitting in her carseat, I see her forlorn look and a sulking head and then her eyes gaze up at mine and she whispers, "I don't want you to come."
"WHAT!?!?!" I yelp and then she repeats those words, "I don't want you to come." Now, I had a choice here, I could either try to make her feel really bad for not wanting me around and for hurting my feelings or I could take the high road and be totally cool so that she can see what an awesome mom she has and then she would realize that of course she wants me around forever and ever and always. It was a conscientious decision and I went with the former. I told her how badly that made me feel and how sad I was, but I did stop short of telling her that I've sacrificed everything for her and that my body will never be the same because of having her because I thought that was overboard. Nevertheless, she didn't waiver. I even pointed out to her that I wouldn't be going to ruin her fun, it was actually to help her teacher handle all the kids and I took out the paper which asks for volunteers as proof. Still, nothing from my I'm-actually-a-teenager-trapped-in-the-body-of-a-5-year-old daughter. When we got home and I went to look at Kelly's work schedule, I prayed I'd be able to go just to really make her mad, but sadly for me, Kelly had to work. I glared at Lilly when I gave her the news, "Well, you'll be glad to know that dad works that day and I can't go on your field trip." And do you know what that little stinker did? She started to smile. It was a slight upturn of the corners of her mouth, not obvious, but victorious. I knew then that she doesn't love me anymore. So where did I go from there?...

Naturally, I have tried to make her feel guilty any chance I get. I told her that her little friend was happy her mother was able to go and still Lilly said nothing. Oh the pain! the pain! I guess it's a good thing I have other children who will hopefully love me. You can be certain, however, that I will do everything in my power to be a chaperone on every field trip and school dance as Lilly goes through her schooling years. It shall be a sweet revenge!

The Case of the Broken Bu Folly

It started when Abe was an infant. Two weeks after his birth, Kelly left to start a new job in a new state and Abe didn't sleep. I remember laying beside him on the bed popping a pacifier in his mouth over and over again until he finally took it and I could sleep for 20 minutes. It started there, but it soon turned into a baggie with 3 newly washed pacifiers accompanying us on every trip whether it be to California or the supermarket. Lilly would cry, "Mom, please make him stop crying," and I'd reach back to his carseat with my right hand, feel around for his mouth with the pacifier and hold it in place until finally he'd hold it there on his own, all the while driving with my left hand and a lead right foot urging us down the road at a slightly accelerated speed praying we'd all make it there alive. Then as he grew, it turned into just a sleep aid. But then, Oh then!, I bought a blue pacifier and it became a best friend. As we'd go up the stairs for a nap, he'd happily chant "bu folly, bu folly." When I needed some quiet, I relied on the magic of bu folly to quiet my boy so I could think. Putting him to bed was a cinch because he loved being reunited with his bu folly. It was not only his friend, but mine as well. Then came the trip to the dentist...

We realized then that Abe couldn't even close his mouth all the way. His endearing crooked smile wasn't actually a good thing and needed to be corrected. It was time. After all, he was 2 1/2. I knew I had to be the one to do it. If Kelly took it away and it caused my boy any pain, I'd blame Kelly and get mad at him for doing it the wrong way. So, this was my plan: I had to wait until Abe made me angry enough. Then, out of frustration, I would snip the tip to bu folly. I couldn't do it any other way. I had to be mad otherwise how could I do such a cruel thing? Well, it was only a matter of time, and then, out of frustration towards me because I told him no over something, he walked to the table, and with glaring eyes he picked up his half eaten bowl of cheerios and dumped them all over the table, chair and floor. Here was my chance. I took him to his room, got the pacifier, got the scissors, took a moment to realize exactly what I was doing and then I cut off the top (without him seeing of course). It was done and there was no turning back.
For the rest of the day everytime I looked at that adorable little face, my heart broke. What had I done!?!?!? I knew in the long run it was the right thing, but I was just sick when I looked at his big eyes and crazy hair. Then night came and while putting on his pajamas I told him I had some bad news. "Bu folly broke, " I said. I showed him and he tried it out and would spit it out not understanding what was going on. He wanted it fixed and I explained that no one could fix it. As I sang him songs, he'd interrupt me every other line and we'd talk about bu folly as if giving it a eulogy. Still unsure, I put him in his crib and he fell asleep. That night, around 11:30, I woke up to him groaning. Kelly went in and rubbed his back until he fell back to sleep. The next morning he woke up crying, head buried in his hands, for his bu folly. Nap time was difficult for a few days, but a new routine of singing and rocking in the rocking chair has helped as he adjusts to the new way of life. And even though he nearly every day asks about bu folly, he is doing quite well. Soon it will be but a faded memory and then he'll only remember his friend through photographs. So as this chapter of life comes to a close, we'd like to bid a very fond farewell to Abe's first best friend-

Adios Bu Folly!

CHEESE!!!!